These last few weeks have a been quite difficult for me, I’ve had quite a few bouts of illness where I’ve felt that I can’t cope and feel a bit overwhelmed with life. I also feel a sense of frustration for how disjointed this project has been and how I’ve struggled to explain my process and development. I decided to that my project was going to be based around a horror immersive experience based on the research I carried out into anhedonia. I do think that I conjured up something quite unique and different as a way to alleviate the apathy associated with this condition, although I also feel that it might not be suitable for everyone. Some of my peers expressed that my experience was quite scary and that it might not be their cup of tea, which was a bit frustrating to start with but then I thought to myself “well it wasn’t designed for neurotypicals anyway”and that it was designed for people like me who struggle to feel things. I know that horror might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I feel that it was something unique and different to evoke the senses. I myself have always been fond of sensory experiences such as 4d cinemas theme parks and immersive experiences and I felt that this idea was super fitting for my project. I do however think that maybe I don’t think deeply enough about things and that sometimes I’m a bit too lazy with my work.
Coming to the end of the course now and I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I recently got diagnosed with cirrhosis and this is something that has changed my perception of everything. I feel like I’m feeling a lot more sentimental about life and existence. I hope that I’ve been able to create something that is unique and exciting even if my storytelling is a bit bland at times. I’m so passionate about design and I’d always dreamed of becoming a designer. 5 years ago I was in a rut struggling with depression, low self esteem and paralyzing fear and anxiety. I didn’t have any dreams or aspirations then I just wanted out of life. Discovering design has opened up my mind to a totally different perspective. I love my job and I love design, it has saved me from the pits of despair which is why its so hard to hear that I might possibly not have that long left, I always hoped I’d be able to make something of myself in my career but that might not happen now.
Nevertheless, I don’t regret spending the time I have on myself, developing myself and constantly learning to improve my skillset. I’ve had a really enjoyable time learning and developing new skills that have been really beneficial for me recently. Before I started this course I didn’t even know how to use InDesign, after two solid years of using it I now work in the film industry making pitch decks for films. I feel like I’ve developed myself a lot over the course of two years even if it doesn’t feel palpable, if I compare myself to where I was a few years back I see that I’ve changed and transformed and developed a design voice that is pretty priceless.
Below are a few images of my progress over the last few years! I'm even choosing to show the terrible ones just as a demonstration that if you put in enough effort you will reap the rewards. For me although the process of development has been super slow and I haven't really celebrated my small wins when I probably should have done, I just want to encourage everyone to keep persisting through the terrible designs and to also never stop learning! My journey with design started with simple ink drawings, admiteddly i wasnt very good at the time and this was terribly frustrating, I wanted so desperately to be an artist/illustrator back then but it just didnt feel as meaningful as I had expected and my work was below par. When I discovered digital design i felt it opened so many doors for me and I felt was more suitable for my skillset and interests as well as the fact that design tells a story. The more I learnt the more I was able to develop myself. Here is a collection of some of my work over the last few years.
I cant quite believe this is it and the end of a long two years of research and hard work. I feel like I’ve explored so many different projects that have taken me down so many different avenues and have helped me to develop skills in so many different areas.
This project was something different that I had such big ideas for, I knew I wanted to explore my own experience with film which has been super important to my personal development and life. I have always found that film was able to open my mind to new experiences and new ways of thinking. Shows and films like six feet under (2001), American beauty (1999) and a beautiful mind (2001) all had such a big influence on my thoughts and perspective back when I was growing up. What I enjoyed about this part of the project was that I was able to explore films that I loved and I was able to personally reflect on why they had such a big impact on me. Shows like six feet under felt so philosophical and had me questioning our meaning and existence a lot, shows like this led me on my own search for meaning in life and ultimately led me to Islam which has also had a huge influence on me and my perspective on life, existence and meaning.
Another film I mentioned in my journalling was American Beauty (1999), I feel like the reception for this film was very love/hate and a lot of people didn’t get it. Through my research into film spectatorship I was able to deduce that personal bias, experiences and differences have such a strong impact on how we view film.
Prior to this project I hadn’t thought much about film behind the scenes. I hadn’t really questioned the research and the aspects of film spectatorship that were involved in film making. Now I see that it is a huge multifaceted process that thinks deeply about storytelling and engagement. Films like American beauty (1999) touch on disillusion, and dissatisfaction with life. Although I was quite young when I watched this I felt like it really evoked something in me that changed the way I saw things. Although the subject matter is quite dark and sometimes a bit depraved, the portrayal of disillusionment and the incessant desire for more really resonated deeply with me. Also the sentimentality of the ending where the protagonist Lester Burnham realizes he is dying and realized he had always had what he needed was so poignant and moving that it struck a chord with me. I am so fond of films like these that make you question life and existence, are we searching for meaning in all of the wrong places? Fancy cars, money, and what do we ultimately gain from chasing our whims and desires? Some might think this film was about mindless hedonsim, perversion and depravity and to some extent it was but this reduction is far too simple for what I found to be a very complex and layered film!
So a bit of tangent and I’m aware that my project is supposed to be focused on horror films. I did find that although I had previously said that horror films would be most suitable for treating anhedonia, I think personal preferences and differences might somewhat influence this finding. I do think horror was a great genre to go with which was backed up by my research, although I personally engage with great stories regardless of the genre I felt that horror was particularly fitting for this project being that it evokes the senses and keeps you engaged. Anhedonia is so troublesome and difficult to treat and a horror experience could be a unique sensory way to alleviate some of the apathy experienced but further research needs to be carried out.
I did find through my research that sensory experiences and taking part in something creative helps to distract the mind. I found through my research into film makers that they channeled their apathy and discontent into magical, emotionally evocative and resonant stories that were sometimes dark that engage, entertain and provide a welcome break from life that can sometimes be quite dull and boring.
For me film and immersive experiences allow you to break free from the confines of apathy, discontent and lack of meaningful experiences. I find I get lost in both film and design and they both transport me into a world that feels magical and dreamlike and a healthy distraction from life. Design has been a big part of my recovery from alcoholism and psychosis. In this project I was able to explore my love for film, design and philosophy. I do feel that my storytelling skills leave much to be desired but I always think you can’t be good at everything!.
I do feel that I have developed quite a strong project, well at least the ideas behind the project and my motivations were strong. I feel like I’ve learnt so much from this process and will never look at film In the same way again!