Over the last few months I’ve felt a fluctuation in my moods which has affected my writeup, I’ve had bouts of illness on and off that has been so frustrating and painful to deal with that I’ve felt at times I’ve lost the will to live. As Charlie Brooker (2009) states
“I am increasingly concerned that at the centre of my soul lurks a terrifying blankness”
This is pretty much very resonant with me at the moment. This condition makes you feel a deep, vast emptiness that consumes you and leaves you feeling vacant and blank, words can’t quite describe how frustrating this condition can be. The emotional blunting makes it difficult to think, to write, to comprehend. It’s a really heavy feeling that eats away at you. Most of the time I have to wait until I get a temporary burst of motivation to continue my write up but of course I’ve found this isn’t sustainable.
I’ve found this project quite fascinating, I think with this condition you have to explore topics that you’re passionate about and film is definitely one of them. Although I do feel quite strongly passionate about my area of research I’m not sure if it’s coming across in my process. I often find it difficult to express myself clearly and in a professional way, I think my writing is often quite emotive as opposed to professional but I do feel that my personal reflections and philosophies are relevant to this topic. I chose to use an autoethnographic approach for my research, I do feel that this was the best approach as I felt I could reflect on my own findings and it made the research more engaging. I did however find that my research became a bit disjointed and went in numerous directions. I felt that I explored different genres and avenues that brought up new topics of interest and led me down different paths. Eventually, I decided to focus on the horror genre because I felt it would be the most fitting for this topic and condition, that said, I felt a bit embarrassed that my personal journal findings didn’t match that of the research into horror’s impact on anhedonia. I deduced that this was down to personal differences and the effects of this condition.
Ido feel that I picked a relevant topic although a little obscure, some of my tutors had never heard of the condition although it is very common in depressive and other mental health disorders. I found through my research that this condition is really hard to treat and that It’s a matter of trial and error. I also found through my research that horror evokes the senses, and produces the fight or flight response, it also evokes acoustic startle responses that leave you feeling on edge, all of this said it isn’t always a negative experience especially for those suffering from emotional blunting. One interesting finding that I did discover in my research that I found a bit unsettling is that this illness, when on the severe end of the spectrum can be associated with psychopathy and a lack of expression, emotion, empathy and connection., I find this condition to be so troublesome sometimes, the lack of emotion can be almost painful, to be constantly masking in social situations and feeling totally isolated can be very frustrating.
Nevertheless I feel like I have worked hard to make this project engaging. I wanted to delve into the aspects of film that make them so entertaining. I started off with an idea that I would write about film and how it evokes emotion and I started my journalling including how I felt at the time, how my condition affected viewing and parts of the film I found engaging and others not so much. My project took a different direction after the feedback I received from peers and tutors, however I did find that the journalling at the time was still relevant and useful for my project. Towards the end of the project I started researching about anhedonia and treatments and I deduced that horror combined with immersive experiences could be a possible therapeutic approach to treatment. It was suggested towards the end of the project that I focus solely on horror films for my autoethnographic journalling but I felt it was too far into the project to do this. This was something I found difficult to convey in both my pdf, blog and critical report. I felt that I had initially wanted to cover a wide range of genres so that I could get a better idea which genres were more engaging than others.
I do think that it was appropriate to include a range of genres since it made it easier to deduce my findings about horror experiences but I did find that I struggled to back the research up with my own personal reflections. I am personally drawn to films that have a strong emotional storyline, I don’t often resonate with fantasy or sci-fi but again as the research suggests this might be down to personal differences, differences in culture and experiences. I think everyone has their own personal preferences for genres but from a personal and research perspective horror seems to be a universal genre that bring people together and keeps people glued to their seats.
I conducted various interviews with indie film makers as part of my research but in the end I felt that they weren’t relevant to the topic and they didn’t add any richness to the data and therefore I decided to omit them from my critical report. I found some of their suggestions for my final outcome to be quite helpful but I didn’t feel that their experiences were relevant to this topic. I think I could have probably enhanced my research and outcome through interviews with patients with this condition although I didn’t feel that a small sample size would be representative of this condition and its links to film, so instead I decided to take an autoethnographic personal approach to my research. The downsides of this are the limitations and biases but nevertheless I found it to be a really interesting topic of research.
I found the personal journalling to be the most enjoyable part of the process, I was able to break down how I was viewing the film based on my research into film spectatorship. My research made it easier to pick out the various techniques and methods these film makers used to achieve a certain effect or evoke a feeling. I’ve always been drawn to films with deep and meaningful messages. I found a Beautiful mind (2001) to be very fascinating and riveting in the way the story takes you through the maze of the protagonist’s mind. I feel like this film has such emotional significance to me. I found it to be very memorable and changed my perspective on mental health. There’s a scene in the film where the protagonist stops taking his medication because he longs to feel alive and energised again. This is something that resonated deeply with me. I often feel like I have bouts of energy when I’m not on the medication, I feel I can think clearly, I feel passionate energised and engaged but of course on the other hand this is alongside the terrifying and disturbing delusions and its difficult to find a balance between the two.
The scene where John ( A mathematician) is in the front porch struggling to complete a simple maths equation because of the effects of the medication really spoke to me as I have been in similar situations and have struggled to express myself throughout this course, both in writing and verbally and I think this is where my research into personal differences, culture, identity and experiences is really significant. I often wonder if other people felt as strongly about this film as I do. It’s almost 25 years old but it’s still one that I have remembered for a long time.
My personal journalling took me through a range of genres and films, some that I found to be striking and emotionally resonant and some that I just didn’t engage with at all. I did find that cultural differences made a huge difference in engagement, for example I found that I was less engaged when watching international films with subtitles. Part of me put this down to laziness but I really don’t think it was that black and white. I think juggling a film with subtitles as well as desperately trying to stay engaged was quite an arduous experience. This alongside the lack of understanding of cultural differences and nuances in the language, made me feel a bit disengaged. That said I have found international horror films to be terrifying and very engaging, there’s something about the blockbuster horrors with the overdone CGI and sometimes ridiculous storylines that I find to be quite jarring sometimes. I have found that international horrors especially the eastern ones are more engaging and more terrifying possibly because of the aspect of the unknown, and the unfamiliarity of the environments and settings that adds to the foreboding atmosphere.
Warning below scene is quite scary!
I found that. Films use the gaze to evoke longing and absorption. Romantic dramas use dreamlike framing to humanise characters and immerse viewers. This was something I found particularly engaging about the series one day, The nostalgic soundtrack that transported me to my teens and early 20’s alongside the dreamy visuals of the protagonists felt really immersive and engrossing. I feel like over the course of the two years I’ve been on this course I’ve been able to notice things that I previously would have ignored. For example every frame of a movie is basically a picturesque photo but because it’s done so well you barely notice it, yet when it’s done badly it is very obvious and the same goes with graphic design, initially I couldn’t tell the difference between good and bad design, I thought artistic and busy designs were often more eye catching but I’ve come to realise over time that often less is more. I’m more able to spot bad typography and bad layouts than before I started the course.
I found that viewers' emotional states play a crucial role in their level of engagement with a film. When I experienced periods of intense anhedonia, my interest in films often diminished. Yet, films that stir up emotions have the power to captivate and immerse audiences, offering a brief respite from emotional detachment. This was something I experienced when watching the series One Day (2024) that week I had been experiencing yet another bout of illness related to my coeliac disease, I was up for two nights in a row running back and forth from the bathroom, I wasn’t able to take my medication during this period, I felt a heightened sense of emotion and I found this series to be profoundly evocative. The emotional and nostalgic soundtrack alongside the dreamlike visuals, scenery and longing created through the excellent storytelling had me feeling a range of emotions. Again this series touched on disillusion the façade of fame and fortune and addiction. The character development in this series was phenomenal and by the end of the season I felt very attached to the characters and their journeys. I would even go as far as saying this is one of the best series I’ve ever seen but again this could all be down to personal preferences, experiences and emotional states. I find that my emotional states are often a good indication of whether a film is going to be good or not, I usually feel more engaged when I’m either unwell and feeling sentimental and off my medication or in a good mood.
I discovered that certain films have the ability to stir up memories and intensify emotions through their powerful soundtracks, which reminded me of my own personal experiences. The town of Saltburn and its title sequence, for example, immediately captivated viewers with its haunting music and visually stunning scenes, evoking a strong sense of intrigue and emotional connection. In a similar vein, the series "One Day" captivated its audience with a compelling plot and a powerful soundtrack, ensuring that viewers remained fully engaged and emotionally invested. I’ve realised that a good soundtrack is often an indication that I’m going to enjoy a film. The film eternal sunshine of the spotless mind got mixed reviews, mainly for its perplexing storyline but I found the score to be emotionally evocative and added to the intrigue of the film, I’ve found that I resonate with films where the soundtrack matches my tastes and preferences, films like ‘about a boy’ American beauty, and Saltburn I felt were all really emotionally evocative.
In the end I found that my research into immersive experiences paired well with the horror genre. I have always found sensory experiences to be more engaging that stand alone films and I wanted to take this project a step further and work outside of the realm of the cinema. I felt that combining the horror genre and immersive experiences is a great way to evoke the senses and engage the audience. I do feel that personal preferences might influence the engagement with this experience but throughout my research I found that both neuro divergent and anhedonia sufferers might benefit from sensory and creative experiences, something that takes you out of your normal viewing experience. I also think that immersive experiences are a great way to connect with others and could be a great form of social connection for people feeling isolated and alone. Horror can often lead to fight or flight responses that elicit responses such as covering their eyes or taking comfort the person closest to you and this could help people to feel more connected socially and emotionally.
This has been a long process of ups and downs, I have thoroughly enjoyed the project and I have found some fascinating findings relating to film spectatorship, making me realise that nothing is as it seems. I hadn’t realised how much research and technicalities go into the film production but it’s a complex process that requires a lot of knowledge on the subject. I found that delving into old tv shows and films that I’ve found really emotionally evocative and relevant to be really enjoyable. It brought out a sense of nostalgia that I hadn’t experienced in a while.
So I’ve been thinking really philosophically about film and I feel its been a big part of my journey to what I would call enlightenment. I really do feel that ‘god’ or ‘the universe’ orchestrates everything that crosses your path down to the films you watched and resonated with and the people that you cross paths with. For me film has been such a profound method of escapism for me. When I watch films I feel like I’m transported into a different realm that temporarily distracts from the pain and hardship that is life. But I’ve found that many of the films and shows I’ve resonated with have been shows that have got me thinking about our existence, pain and suffering and our purpose. I find film to be a magical form of evoking the senses and getting you to think and reflect on your own experiences, failures and choices. Sometimes they can be philosophical, sometimes they can be emotional and evocative, sometimes they can be dreamlike and surreal but they all reflect the wonderful multifaceted nature of feelings and what it is to be human.